On the days when I think the kids are
“driving me crazy”, I need to stop, and think.
And every time, the root is not the kids.
Yes, they might push me over on the edge, but why was I sitting by the edge in the first place? Why does 2 tantrums, an emptied bookshelf, permanent marker on the carpet, or a poop explosion, suddenly feel like the last slender thread of my sanity snapping?
Usually I can find why I was sitting on the edge---I find I'm worrying someone I love will wreck their life, or I'm in the middle of a drawn out text-fight with a sister, or mentally rehearsing bitter litanies of grievances from people I have not forgiven, or brooding over some awful thing that has happened in the world, or stressed out about some financial need, or fearing for a beloved one's marriage, or worrying about a friend or siblings relationship choices----all these things push me to that edge, then one kid-tantrum or mess later, I'm yelling, crying, and melting down.
Yes, they might push me over on the edge, but why was I sitting by the edge in the first place? Why does 2 tantrums, an emptied bookshelf, permanent marker on the carpet, or a poop explosion, suddenly feel like the last slender thread of my sanity snapping?
Usually I can find why I was sitting on the edge---I find I'm worrying someone I love will wreck their life, or I'm in the middle of a drawn out text-fight with a sister, or mentally rehearsing bitter litanies of grievances from people I have not forgiven, or brooding over some awful thing that has happened in the world, or stressed out about some financial need, or fearing for a beloved one's marriage, or worrying about a friend or siblings relationship choices----all these things push me to that edge, then one kid-tantrum or mess later, I'm yelling, crying, and melting down.
But its not really the kids, its the
turmoil in my own soul. And the answer to every one of those problems
is to take it to God, to TRUST His heart, to TRUST His strength. Then
I can face the daily stresses of life with small children with joy,
with deep reserves instead of inner turmoil. The inner turmoil is
what has me living on the edge, running on narrow margins.
My noisy kids are not the problem---the
turmoil in my soul is. And when the Holy Spirit comes, and I give Him
the burdens of my heart, then suddenly, a mess is just a mess, a
diaper explosion is just a needed bath (with bubble soap! And
foodcoloring in the water!), a tantrumming kid is just a needed long
hug (good for us both), a permanently-markered carpet is just money
(God will provide).
Because what I really needed wasn't
peace and quiet so I could cope with my inner turmoil without blowing
my top.
What I really needed wasn't me-time so
I could distract myself with hobbies or reading, and hold in all the
pain and fear, and pretend it wasn't there.
What I really need is inner peace.
I need to invite the Holy Spirit into
the dark places of fear in my soul, to give him my burden, and then
rise up and live. So my kids are really God's scalpel, cutting apart
my camouflaging bandages to show me the hidden infection that was
there all along, in my heart.
My kids overload my coping mechanisms,
so that they fail. With my coping mechanisms broken, I am forced to
go to the Healer, to offer to Him the turmoil in my heart, and
TRUST....and learn to live.
