Divorce and the end of the Story

 Pretty down today. Another couple getting divorced at 60. After a lifetime of marriage. Just counting the poeple I know, and their families, these stories are getting more frequent, at least in my hearing. It hurts too much. Christian families too. Who made it decades together, before deciding now was the moment to call it quits.

How did we get here?

Our narrative is wrong.

The idea that suffering (and sin in our spouse) is a reason to end it. Somehow, by divorcing (even at 60) is standing up for yourself. Standing up for your grandchildren. Standing up for women. 

Somehow the divorce is making sure that everything wrong that the spouse has done is not forgotten Refusing to be codependent, not putting up with it. Now, finally somehow sticking it to the man. Standing up for truth. Setting the record right, in a walk out protest.

And its basically setting off a bomb in our families, grown children's marriages shaken or broken or never started. Even the “thriving, stable” kids are coping, having trouble sleeping at night. Joy robbed from beautiful days of young motherhood, brooding about the emotional angst in their birth family. Sides taken for and against. What should be a fortress, torn apart in civil war. Separation is just that---a separation. A vacuum felt even in a grey-haired child's soul.

So much is lost. So much is destroyed

Our meta-narrative we chart reality onto, is all twisted up and backwards.

This divorce and remarriage archetype is but one finger of the hand. The hand is wrong. A world based in what ought to be, and not what is.

 That by protest, that by breaking what is left, we will somehow make the world anew, into what it ought to be. Insisting on living in a world where power is never abused, where love is always healthy, where relatives only ever speak kind nontoxic words, where everything is as it should be. But this world exists only inside our own heads. Because the family reunions are shattered and never happen, people being cut off for mental health reasons. We aren't creating a better world. We are destroying what scraps of this one that we have left.

What is the narrative, the pattern that was given to us by a strange middle-eastern God, demanding absolute purity, demanding exactly how the world should be?

We failed. We broke the rules, broke the contract, trashed the place, ran up debts, and cheated on Him.

And He didn't cut us off.

He came anyway.

And then we killed Him.

Through suffering, through pain, through torture, comes the triumphant ending of the story. Through the crucifixion, through the dark night of doubt on saturday with a dead god, then comes Sunday morning. He comes, scarred and alive, to tell His bride that her debt is paid.

That is the pattern given to us.

Where did we go wrong? Where did we lose it? Despite You showing it to us, again and again and again?

God, come and save Your Bride. We are bat-shit crazy.

I'm still waiting for the end of the story, God. Where you come, and save us, Your bat-shit crazy narcissistic Bride. And somehow, make us, bright and clean, pure, holy and without blemish.

God, you've got Your work cut out for you.

Come, and save us. We are Yours. All the hot mess of us. Save us.

Payson in May

 Payson in May. A bit of a heatwave for Payson, it was a high of 88 and low of 55 at night. Christopher Creek by the campground was pretty shallow (but trickling along!) since we had a rather dry spring, but we drove to SEE canyon trailhead a couple miles away, where there was significantly more water.

UV index is at a 10 in May, though the temperatures were similar to our October trip (67/45), the UV was much higher (10 in May, 6 in October).

This time I remembered to bring special snacks on the hike. It is the most important tip to hiking with kids ever.

We went on a hike to SEE Canyon trailhead, choosing the SEE canyon spring (which has more water in it than the SEE canyon trail.)

We went on a hike from 10am to 4pm. 

We kept our hats on except for Irene who managed valiantly to lose a hat, despite mom running back and forth over the trail TWICE.

We burned probably half as much as we did in October. (Irene burnt about the same or maybe a little less....Not sure how to factor this in since she was wearing a hat somewhat, as I had a backup hat for her....so not sure how much was the hat and how much was the sunscreen) Whose UV Index was 6 instead of 10. Which means that Coppertone Sport Mineral is atleast 2x as effective as that other one. Which makes sense since this one was 24% zinc oxide, and the other one was only 8% zinc oxide and 7% titanium dioxide)

The burn the next day, after we came home. I think she's looking less crispy than our October adventure, although she did wear her hat more this time as well. But the UV was 10 instead of 6. 

So, I will keep using it

BUT----I need to reapply this stuff. Once at 8am wasn't enough. I need to do a noon-reapplication for the kids. Keep some in an insulated bag in the backpack. 

AND---I need to make some mineral sunscreen chapstick. [tutorial HERE when I do it]. All our lips burned. The sunscreen doesn't stay on lips.

Pine trees against the stars are one of my favorite parts of camping....

It was fun. The kids foraged for wood and built the fires. We consumed many marshamellows. 

And then we drove back into our desert valley....

And then my mother in law gave me this piece of living beauty. Pale pink roses with dark leaves, my favorite kind of rose since I was 14 and saw them growing on that old split rail fence in Alabama....

It was a good Mother's Day weekend.

Cousins!!! Christmas memories

Coming back from Christmas we stopped by "The Cousins" house in Texas. 

Much fun was had. Braums icecream has a mythical status in our house, as it is only in Texas and Oklahoma. On the drive out, the kids were begging me at 10 pm when we crossed into Oklahoma after 14 hours of driving, to stop and get them icecream at the Braums. I told them they were shut. And we'd stop on the way back

Stopping on the way back, with an envelope of cash from the Great Grandmother with the instructions to eat icecream with it, here we are.

BOTH of these kids know how to pose. And she's only 6 months old....

This one looks like our babies did. Keziah, to be precise.

Trying to juggle 2 babies who wanted to be held, and were desperately hungry for Banana. On looking at the photos now, it seemed the 6 month old rallied herself to smile at the camerakid.

My kids using Photoshop after the vacation

The little peaceful grumpiness <3

Making hamburgers

Note how the 6 month old manages to maintain eyecontact and smile at the cameraman (me, I think) through almost all these pictures.....

Distracted only because she is smiling at someone else.

 Good memories....

Thankful for....

 Irene's shenanigans...

She is a little goofball, chuckling at her own wit

Our New Era---trying to transform our family culture *be* the Morning People

I want to do more than keep my kids alive.....I want to teach the kids how to actually live.

I told the kids this was our new era. We are going to run a clean household, and actually invite their friends over (after me promising 'when the house is clean...' for the last decade)

Each Tuesday in Lent, I will expand on one of these points, which I will hyperlink here.

 OUR NEW ERA

God our strength : put on your own oxygen mask!

Make prayer, worship, and Bible-study the rhythm of our lives

1.      Morning Prayer 

2.      CircleTime Intercessory Prayer

3.      Worship

4.      Bible at night with Daddy (focus, absorb, discuss)

5.      Life Skills

a.      Bible Study

b.     Intercessory Prayer

Now that your oxygen mask is on....

Outward Focus: Be a blessing to others

1.      Intercessory Prayer [Think of others]

a.      VOM prayerlist

b.     Prayercards of others in our lives

c.      Circle Time Prayer style [draw cards out of the deck]

2.      Social Skills [Kindness] Teach it to them rooted in scripture, in real life stories

a.      Think of Others before yourself

b.     Spread Kindness with your mouth

c.      Seek to find why God brings ppl into your life (humility, openness to listening etc)

d.     Christian boundaries, etc.

3.      Functional Sanity---the car needs to run, to be able to go anywhere

a.      Food

b.     Chores

c.      Laundry

d.     Homeschool Basics

4.      (Be a net plus on the world)

a.      Project sanity/youre ok….especially of the little ones!!!

                                                              i.      Appearance---grooming: hair, smell, clean face

                                                            ii.      Appearance—clothing [nice enough or looks on purpose]

                                                          iii.      House---like the family that hosted the dance---their home was amazing. It exuded little house in the prairie vibes. Or medieval cottage vibes. Because everything was clean, organized, and beautiful even if it wasn't fancy/expensive/fixed. FUNCTIONALITY and USEFULNESS and BEAUTY

                                                          iv.      Outside of House---even more important

b.     Try to bring more food to events than we take

c.      Give generously

5.      Joyful Charity

a.      Go with them to Donate to Foodbanks, buy socks, etc

b.     Visiting those in Prison//for kids: Visit hose home-bound, older people, nursing homes, hospitals, and in hospice

c.      Packs for Homeless people, Feed my starving children, etc

d.     Help them donate money to cool charities (like buy a goat, etc), where they get to put money toward it, by doing various chores for us, etc. So they are working to help others.

Changing our Family Culture

 I want to change our family culture closer to our original vision, of making Rivendell.

Family culture matters, routines and prayers matter. To put a rhythm to our lives, that can give something to fill up the kids hearts, to show them what is important. Habit shapes souls, because it is a continual time-offering of our lives, and our souls exist in time.

 Josh has already drastically changed our family culture the last year, by taking on the McCheyne Bible reading plan every evening as a family. And sticking to it, even when we come home 9:30 pm exhausted from a social event. He is stubborn, in the best way possible.

Josh has also changed our family culture the last few years, with the whole concept of "Family Fun Time" and the creation of the "Family Fun Time Wheel". He urges the kids to finish their after-dinner chores in time, that we take an hour to do something fun as a family. There's a wheel he had me make, with 6 different options to choose from, so that even when we are brain-dead at the end of the day, the options are clearly laid out for us.

[Image of the family fun time wheel]

We also got a little closer to our dream, last year, with our 4 weekend camping trips and 2 water wheel hikes. With the Family Fun Time the kids look forward too every evening, and the nightly Bible time with prayertime, as the girls dance to "He is Lord" at the end, there is a rhythm to our lives.

Five things I want my kids to have interwoven throughout their lives.

Prayer [The God who is here]

Joy [Singing, always singing]

Adventure [camping trips, attitude toward life, challenges unlocked etc]

Love [Kind, gentle to one another, forgiving one another]

The Holy [to see Him, to really see Him. The pillar of fire and cloud, come down to us]

The Foundations of Female Attraction

 I wrote this for my teenage son, who is now very curious how to impress girls. Right now it mostly seems to involve fantasies of building massive muscles and strategically losing your shirt so she'll notice. 

So I felt the need to clue him in on what actually impresses the female half of the population. I put this up here in case it is useful for anyone else clueless how to impress a woman.

Foundations of Female Attraction

 LEVEL 1: Faith in Something greater than himself. Having Convictions, Principles and the Courage to act on those convictions----The girl is picking her LEADER. If he doesn’t know where he’s going or what he’s doing, or what he believes in---she’s not going to want to follow. It would be like you signing up for an army you have no idea for what country or what rules they follow or what religion.

2.       LEVEL 2: Mental Discipline. You must master yourself. A girl wants to know you have mastered your emotions and your anger. So that you are in charge, not your emotions. That she is obeying you, not your whims. Also that you work hard, can push yourself to do hard things. She wants to know you have mastered yourself, so she knows she she can trust you with herself and your future kids. 

3.       LEVEL 3: Kind to the weak. Having strength, but not being a bully, but a protector of the helpless. This is huge. How a man treats those who cannot reward him. Not in how he treats the boss, but the old penniless lady. Small children. Protects the weak and does not prey on them. Unselfish. Fearing God. Knowing that strength was given to him, as a trust. With great power comes great responsibility. In attractiveness: Spiderman > thug.

4.      LEVEL 4: Comportment & Posture. How you carry yourself in relation to the world. Slouching aristocrat or an alert soldier? This is self defence 101. Who do thugs choose to jump in parking lots?[link here] For most people, it is subconscious. People will decide what you are, who you are. It's how you know someone is ex-military. It's one of the factors when girls swoon for men after they go through bootcamp. Often their physique actually hasn't changed that much---but their comportment has. Soldiers hold themselves like they know what they are doing---like they are men. With a purpose. And know that they are a force to be reckoned with. Criminals aren't the only ones who notice your posture.

5.      LEVEL 5: Hygiene. Be considerate of not grossing people out. Girls are even  more grossed out than boys. They have been guardians of the home for millennia and lost children to disease. FIGHT NURGLE. Wash your hands, don’t pick your nose. Don’t make weird scraping sounds with phlegm in your throat like you’re dying of whooping cough. Blow your nose with proper form, and wash hands afterwards. Smell NOT-BAD. (really, Axe, stinks. It's a triumph of modern marketing that young men still think it works)

a.       Breath---xylitol after meals. Brush teeth, floss, ACT

b.       Underarm, vinegar, deodorant. Change clothes every day

c.      !!!! If you work out or labor or sweat---shower. Rancid sweat smell is like a dead animal. (usually only gets to that point several days in, I think based on my memories of my little brother)

d.       Scalp Care [Scalp wash routine, Vinegar rinse, keep dandruff away]

6.       LEVEL 6: Physique. Having muscles, looking strong enough to protect her and your future kids, is a definite plus. Having good posture (level 4) really helps maximize this. That is, a skinnier man who stands with good posture looks better than a slouching muscular guy. Girls in general aren't as impressed by strength just existing, as strength with purpose. Important note! While having a good physique is a plus, a man who is constantly taking selfies of his abs is a major turn-off for a lot of women. A girl wants you to want to look at her, not the mirror! Narcissus and Echo did not go well.

7.       LEVEL 7: Style. Hairstyle--- keep it relatively short (obviously male) and out of your eyes. Hair Gel can help. Clothing---Pick clothing that flatters you, AND sends the message you want. [e.g. medieval, loves certain movie, etc]

        Girls aren't irrational after all. These foundations of attraction really all boil down to---will he be man enough to protect me and our children, and man enough to love me and our children even when its hard.

She's signing up to follow you, after all. It's like signing up for the marines, but for your whole life, and to follow a specific sergeant till you die. You want to make sure that commander is up to snuff before you swear on.

And coming back to "Level 1" and why it is the foundation of everything else. She needs to know this sergeant is following the same General. 

And even when storms come, and when you fail, she needs to know that you will be man enough to repent, and turn to follow your God even through suffering.