To know God....

This morning I awoke early, was thinking, half asleep. Had a dream in which I wanted a baby so badly, I was afraid I would steal my sisters' new baby.

I thought about life. About how lately I've been empty inside, struggling with something. Tup tup pe, is how the Koreans call it. All the emotions jammed up inside, you're not even sure what's in there.

Computer games have these images in them. No wonder people play them. That makes me feel like I can almost feel the thing I am missing but forgot what it was, till I forget the feeling of missing it. And then a cool trailer, a sunrise to music and a purpose....then For one second, suddenly realizing that I am not alive, but used to be....Why does it take stories to make me feel this way? Epic trailers with epic music, and epic tragedies or triumphs...I start to feel like I can feel again for a moment....but why do I not see it in my real life all around  me? Why is it this pixelated image from a virtual world, not the sunsets I see with my own eyes? Why this numbness only stories can cut through? 

I've been struggling with a sense of missing something. Perhaps mid-life crisis. Perhaps a missing uterus. Perhaps missing my two little boys. And knowing a chapter of my life is over.

I've been missing that something a lot. 

Sometimes it felt like I was missing feelings. Or feeling alive. Like I was watching my own life distantly, through glass. Not really feeling. Not really seeing. The little ones are growing up all around me, I'm surrounded by life....and yet somehow I've felt so checked out this last year. As if I'm not really living my own life. It is my own fault too. I have avoided doing real things, interacting with my real children, to spend many hours on the internet, browsing youtube. Or immersed in my own fiction,  writing a star wars story. Why is it like I am chasing filling, or feelings, in an alternate world. Or really, inside my own head. Hours talking to my own brain. 

Am I processing life? Or escaping it, in concentrically smaller circles of insanity?

I know I process when I write. I partly write to think. But I know I also write looking for something. Is this the definition of insanity? Endlessly talking to my own self, for hours and hours of my life...when there are other humans all around me, who would love my attention? Often they are in their own little worlds and stories, interacting with eachother. But they would want me to be with them. They often ask for it.

How long have I been stuck in my own head? Searching for something, feeling empty, like I had swallowed so much air my throat hurt.

And it made sense, somehow, half asleep in the dawn light, that I was trying to fill the God-shaped emptiness inside of myself, with other things. Cramming in other shaped things. It didn't fit. 

I need to focus on reaching outside of myself....to the Creator who made me. Get out of these concentric circles in my own mind. And look at Him.

Perhaps that is what worship means.

To just look at Him. And see Him. Really see Him.

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Practical steps:

1. Actually go outside at 6 when I wake up, and pray at the prayergarden where my little boys are buried. And pray. And see what He says.....Ask Him who He is. I can show up. And see what He does.
2. Read the Bible. In as many different translations as I can. This year, perhaps NASB. Next year, KJV. The year after that ESV. Mix it up with reading it and listening to it. Somehow different hings jump out at me then.
3. Do devotion time with the kids. 5-5-5
1. Five minutes of listening to NKJV dramatized audioBible on youtube
2. Five minutes of silent journaling, silent prayer
3. Five minutes of Korean Style Prayer [Everyone outloud and praying]