She Ran to Him

She ran to him, knowing, what no one else knew

(Knowing he would carry her)

She ran to him, knowing, what she was too young to know

(too small to see, too new to know)

That he would hold her thumb, kiss it

 

She ran to him, with overweening arrogance, unconceivable presumptiousness

un-justified pride

Knowing he would comfort her

She ran to him, with wisdom beyond the Hokhmim

Knowing he would cuddle her

 

And so the child came crying

Demanding the kiss of God

And so the toddler came indignant

Ordering the arms of God

 

And so the kingdom cometh

For so does it come

And so the child enters

For she is too young, she knows 

I wrote this almost fifteen years ago. I found it on my old college days blog. Thought I would put it up. It is a riff on pondering what it means to "become a little child" to God.

"Unless ye receive the kingdom of God as a little child, ye shall not enter it."

I wrote this from experience with little siblings. Now from the last 14 years experience with my own 8 little children, I would say their defining characteristic is their demand for love. They know it, and they expect it.

All Dinner Meals for Meal-Planning

 Dinners List so I can have it all in one place. These shall become links when I actually write the recipes down.

Basic Principle is have a   Protein + Vegetable + Carb, so that I can keep my prediabetes in check, by controlling how much I eat of each. 

Hacks for making the Carbs less crashy---

1. Twice cooked carbs 
1. Instantpot precooked potatoes [8 min, 1 cup water] that get fried in butter/beef fat. 
2. Pre-cooked rice heated up again, or fried in a risotto or stir fry
2. Cauliflower risottos that are very very good. [shredded in the food processor, cooked in olive oil/butter, then add in butter/cream cheese/spices. It's actually even better than rice risotto IMHO]
3. Eating my curries & sauces over Green Beans instead of rice with EXTRA tomato chutney [fresh salsa]

Remember, salads can become cabbage salads, or be swapped out with hot cooked (from frozen) vegetables if you make it further from the grocery shopping date.

Chicken Breast

• Basil Lime Chicken Breast [Oven or Grill] + 
• "Factor Meal" Sour Cream Salsa Chicken Breasts + Cauliflower Risotto + Green Beans
• Fajita Chicken + Onions & Bell Peppers
• Tikka Masala Chicken + Green Beans + Fresh Salsa
• Orange Chicken [Gen Tso's Chicken]

      

  Chicken bone-in

          Bone in chicken [cheap in the 10 pound frozen bags]

• Chicken Enchilada casserole + Fresh Salsa + Salad + Sour Cream
• Crockpot Shredded Chicken Tacos with Black Beans and Cheese + Salad + Fresh Salsa
• BIR curry Chicken + Lentils + Fresh Salsa + Green Beans + Indian Cauliflower Risotto
• Bone Broth Chicken Soup
• Oven Roasted [or Grill] "Turkish" chicken + Stovetop Brocolli + Rice// Cauliflower Risotto
• ?Barbecue Chicken [frozen leg quarters, 5-7 hrs in barbecue sauce, slowcooker]
• ?Barbacoa Chicken OR Taco Chicken [frozen leg quarters, 5-7 hrs in barbecue sauce, slowcooker]

Beef 

• Marinated Stovetop Steaks [or Grilled Steaks] + Loaded Potatoes + Green Beans + Bell Peppers
• Hobbit Stew
• Meuk-Guk
• Russian Beef Soup
• Instant-Pot Pulled Beef [Barbacoa or Barbecue] [because of our sweet little Ana] + Bell Peppers + Dinner Rolls
• Philly Cheese steaks
• Mary Ann's Beef & Lentils
• Steak Fajitas w/ bell peppers and onions

Ground Beef 

• InstantPot Fauxsagnia
• Tacos + Fresh Salsa
• Smashburgers
• ?Sherri's White Bean Chili + Salad
• Grilled Burgers from Samsclub [when we have a gas grill...]

Lentils/Beans [so easy to mealprep]

• Favorite Indian Lentil Recipe + Raita + Fresh Salsa + [Pomegranates, and Dark Chocolate, and Tea]
• Whole Spices Indian Curry
• Nut Curry
• BIR green curry [get the right name]
• BIR Beef + Lentils, Vindaloo Curry
• Prep a big batch of refried beans and freeze for Taco Tuesdays
• Falafel & Hummus + Cilantro Raita + Fresh Tomatoes & Salad + Flatbread

Fish

• Canned Sardines/Mackerel with "Factor Meal" sauce [Sour Cream Fresh Salsa Sauce] and capers...so good
• Canned Sardines with Salsa Verde [tomatillos n onions] and Sour cream (do not overcook tomatillos)
• Tilapia Fillets + Butter-Fried precooked potatoes + Green Beans/Brocolli
• Tuna Fish sandwiches or chip-dip [made with Ninja blender-egg-may replacement], and chips

Cheese/Eggs 

• Instantpot Mac n Cheese + Peas +
• Fettecini Alfredo + [Meat Roast/Ham] + Cauliflower Mushroom Rissotto + Green Beans
• Grilled Cheese Sandwiches + Tomato Soup +
• Cheesy Taters [Ye Olde Standby] FANCY if its in the toaster oven
• Bibimbap + Korean Spinach + Kongnamul +

    Pork 

Only really if our sweet little Ana changes her mind....

• Barbecue Pulled Pork + Rolls + Green Beans [Make some barbecue chicken for Ana]
• Korean Style [Bulkogi style marinade] Pork + Rice + Kongnamul & Korean Spinach [make some 
• Sundry delicious looking Pork-Chop Recipes, yet untried

Once A month grocery plan

 For this to work, you need to have a very clean and organized freezer. No dead-space of freezer-burned bags of unrecognizable leftovers you are afraid to try to autopsy. No Turkeys from last years Thanksgiving sale, taking up space.

With 8 kids +2 parents, I think it would take a up my 25 cubic foot refrigerater/freezer, plus some in my standing freezer. I am curious to try this out more ways.

I used to do something similar to this, when grocery shopping was a fraught ordeal with 5 little kids. We did a 2 week grocery plan, with my husband running out to get just milk on the off-weeks.

I wrote this out for my sister who lives in the country 45 minutes away from her main grocery store, and 15 min from a more expensive grocery store, which is best just to get milk.

Once A month/Every Two Weeks grocery plan

Plan for 5 good dinners a week. [2 left over nights]. So that comes out to about 20-25 meals. Here is my master list of dinners we like.

Prep 5 dinners per category, so 25 gallon Ziploc bags, in the freezer ready for instantpot cooking. [Or crockpot]

Dinners with side of FROZEN VEG, and raw crunchy veg.

• Chicken [Prep 5 dinners from this from X pounds]
• Beef [Prep 5 dinners from this from X pounds]
• Ground Beef
• Lentils/Beans
• Fish/Cheese/Eggs 

Sample Grocery List [staples]

These aren't including stuff you normally stock up on, like vanilla extract, lentils, tomato paste etc.

• DAIRY [keeps well, coldest part of the fridge at the top]
• Butter [we use LOTS for all the growing brains]--[also freezes well]
• Cottage Cheese
• Sour Cream/Heavy Cream 
• Milk for Yogurt-making
• Yogurt, if you don't have any, yogurt for starter. You can freeze yogurt starter in batches. [the bacteria freezes fine] "Icelandic Provisions" introduced when the boiled milk hits 120 is the best. Dannon is good too. The key is to do the boil function on the milk, and introduce the starter when its at 120-115, and whisk it well.
• Milk---it takes up a lot of space, and expires. We drink about 1 gal/day. More on this later.
• Fresh Vegetables
• Leafy Vegs [need to eat within 3 days of purchase]
• Tomatoes [need to eat within 1 week of purchase]
• Bell Peppers [need to eat within 1 week of purchase]
• Cauliflower [need to eat within 1 week of purchase]
• Cucumbers [need to eat within 1 week of purchase]
• Celery [need to eat within 1 week of purchase]
• Carrots [will last the month]
• Red Cabbage, Beets [will last the month], 
• Onions, garlic, ginger [will last the month, also can freeze]
• Potatoes [if it is a hot summer, you will want to eat these in the first 2 weeks from purchase. Or cook in the instant pot, and then store in a tupperware in the coldest top back of the fridge]
• Frozen Vegetables
• Frozen Green Beans
• Frozen Brocolli
• Frozen Peas
• [Frozen Cauliflower]
• CHEESE [freezes well, esp the shredded stuff you want to freeze so it doesnt mold]
• Cheddar
• Mozzarella
• MEAT
• Chicken [bone in legs or thighs are usually cheapest, in 10 lb bags]
• Beef
• Ground Beef
• Canned Sardines
• Canned Tuna
• Frozen Tilapia
• Eggs [Can hardboil, or blanch, to lengthen storage, but I have found my eggs will last a month just fine. But you've got chickens!]
• Flour, Yeast, Sugar Salt [make your bread]

You can freeze butter, cheese, etc. Frozen Veggies are happy to live in the freezer for a few  months. And you must freeze the meat as soon as you get home, anyways. Get it out of the plastic and styrofoam trays, rinse it, salt it, and seal it in ziplocs and put in the freezer, to be thawed when needed.

So you really only need to go to the grocery store once a month for most meats if you are very organized with your freezer.  

The two biggest choke-points are fresh veggies and milk. More on this later.

Breakfasts

• First Week Breakfasts  [first week, for crunchy raw veggies]
• Fresh Veggies with a home-made hummus dip, or cheese dip.
• Tomato-mozz-basil slices.
• Devilled eggs and celery sticks.
• Cottage cheese or Yogurt with frozen berries/nuts for parfait, OR make Buercher Muesli
•  Custard or Ninja Egg Pudding
• Hummus or Cheese dip ['pub cheese' you can also make this yourself] and crunchy Vegs [cucumber, baby carrots, bell pepper, Celery]
• Scrambled eggs on toast
• Cast-Iron fried dinner Leftovers aka “Hash” [can use ninja blender to blend up leftover meat, potatoes, vegetables] + fried eggs on the side.

Lunches [side of fresh raw crunchy veg]

• Kyudumbap + Cabbage Salad
• Cheesey bread [fried in butter if feeling fancy] + Cabbage Salad
• Cheesey potatoes [precooked potatoes in fridge] + Cabbage Salad
• Fried Rice [dinner leftovers in a frying pan] + Cabbage Salad
• Hardboiled eggs + veg assortment
• Any of the ‘breakfast’ items here + Cabbage Salad

STAPLES TO KEEP IN THE FRIDGE

1.      Instantpot cooked potatoes, in fridge, to be fried [cut in half, fry in butter or lard, sprinkle with garlic salt]
2.      CABBAGE SALAD
3.      Hardboiled eggs [can do the Korean Pickled eggs, if your kids like them]
4.      Sauerkraut/Kimchi/KimchiKraut
6.      Freezer stocked with Green Beans, Peas, Brocolli [winco]
7.      FREEZER BAG to collect bones, FOR stock
8.      FREEZER BAG to collect leftovers---for hash, and for fried rice

Remember...THE FREEZER IS YOUR BEST FRIEND

Other Staples to have on hand

Xylitol mints for teeth

The Main Challenges

Milk. It takes up space and does not freeze well. Even when I did the 'every 2 week grocery plan', Josh had to run out on the off-weeks and buy 6 gallons of milk. [our weekly milk usage, and usually all we could fit in the fridge.] This is where its good to have a plan to get milk on the off-weeks if possible. If this isn't an option, I think its possible to buy 12 gallons for 2 weeks, and consume all your milk as yogurt in the 2nd week. Or just eat lots of cheese in the intervening milk-less weeks.

Fresh Vegetables. The leafy ones [lettuce, fresh spinach] must be eaten within 3 days of buying. Tomatoes, Cucumbers, Celery, and Bellpeppers last maybe a week, depending. Cabbage and Carrots will last you the longest, up to a month [or more]. But thats a lot of cabbage and carrots to eat. You can get really creative with different cabbage salads. Hot Vegetables [cooked brocolli, buttered green beans, peas, frozen spinach---all from frozen vegs---can be eaten whenever. So you could end up with a system where the first week is the fresh crunchy vegetable week, and the remaining 3 weeks are lots of cabbage salad, carrots sticks, and Hot Vegetables (cooked frozen vegetables, in garlic and olive oil).]

OR....drumroll....the garden. It's amazing what you can get even out of a tiny garden.

You will get the best reward from your work with Herbs, Leafy Greens, and Tomatoes

Grow. 

Winter Garden

Leafy Greens [Spinach, Kale, Lettuce] by the truckload

Chives, Herbs, etc.

Cucumbers

[Hothouse] Tomatoes

[if you have space and time, all the other interesting stuff, beets to pickle, celery, carrots, brocolli, cabbage, etc. These tend to be cheaper than over veg at the grocery store, and easy to store like cabbage, or easy to freeze like brocolli, so I am less motivated to figure them out]

Summer Garden

Tomatoes

Bell Peppers

Gennip [sesame leaves...so delicious for everything]

Greens---new zealand spinach, Swiss Chard, some varieties of kale, Malabar spinach

Basil by the truckload---make into pestos for the winter

Yardlong beans [can take the  heat]

Armenian Cucumber/Snake Melon [cucumber that wont' go bitter]

Zuchini by the truckload

Two Poems written at 30,000 ft

 I flew to my sister's wedding, after not flying for about 7 years. I don't know if it was being refilled with kind stranger's blood ten times 2023, or if it is approaching middle age, but people feel so much more...precious. 

The people all around me, strangers, moving along. Sometimes it hits me just how vulnerable we are, our lives suspended over death by miracles we are not aware of. A few pumps of a heart muscle, a mis-timed squirt of air or oxygen...we can be broken so easily. 

Bustling about with our big plans and our daily worries, unaware, so fragile, precious, and human.

[Leaving]

I fly above the world

in a tube of tin

fragile wings outstretched,

caught in the wind

Silent humanity,

crushed within

A life-time of memories---hopes won or lost

Written in a kilogram of greymatter, 

packaged in wrinkled flesh and textiles.

An aging lady reads a romance

its crisp pages never to be turned again.

A middle aged man, potentials collapsed into a suit

 curly hair thinning, tinged with grey, 

with eager eyes consumes the free flight training

meticulously takes the quiz---how to bank, turn, landing, takeoff---

bound back to earth.

All yearnings of our souls, inchoate

Mute children, yearning for words [within]

each of us, elbows carefully at our sides

avoiding each-other's eyes.

My deep apologies for the bad metallurgy that I reduced my aircraft to, in an attempt to rhyme.

The man on my left felt like a Jewish businessman, carefully wearing a nice suit, probably on his way to some business meeting, probably. In boredom he fired up the screen, eschewed movies, and was taking a free pilot course complete with multiple choice-quizzes on piloting terminology and techniques. Banking and turning, when to put the flaps down, etc. He was going through the quizzes, with the eagerness of a preteen who has just discovered they can become a pilot. He had very curly hair, tinted with grey, thinning out. He looked about 40 or 45, when paths have long been chosen, careers have been baked in, and there isn't enough time to re-orient. But it was so easy to see the child in him...what he must have once looked like----a mop of curly hair over bright curious eyes, studying the world. But now middle aged, and all bound up in the respectable suit... it didn't seem to fit his true soul. As if he wore it almost like an ill-fitting uniform, that a good child donned to do the job required of him.

The woman's romance novel was some strange exploration into a possible ghost story or a widow or something, but falling in love with some poor guy who went by they/them. It wasn't your typical harlequin, I think, but it also was all about experiencing a romance, kiss, etc, that wasn't your own. It was odd. It felt like the sort of book one would never re-read. The sort of thing a moody writer writes in desperation trying to squeeze wind and kisses and sunsets out of a computer word-document. There's a sort of pathos to it, the graphic description of kisses, the attempt to summon up hypothetical beach sunsets that you haven't actually experienced enough of. As if your mind was a computer generator, hashing out fuzzy images of Microsoft back-drop screens, with ourselves crudely photoshopped into...longing for life. For wind. Hunched in a air-conditioned room, staring into an LCD monitor that is attempting to reconstitute the photons of a foreign sunset, looking for filling the hunger in our souls.

[Returning]

In a tube of hammered steel,

Frantically riding the wind

Rushing forward, jolting in its turbulence

Packed in, we neatly keep

Our elbows tucked, our heads forward, 

Furtive glances to catch

Bits of souls of the others, glinting though---

A ring, luggage patch, phone screen backdrop, half of a tattoo

What signs of loves, quirks, ideologies and selfhood chosen?

We collect in odd assortment in our pockets, during this mad race toward eternity

The tired middle-aged Indian man [strong, grey-frosted]

beside pulls down the shutter

closing his eyes.

We sit in darkness, lit by light-shadows of sudden brightness,

the few young window-dwellers who 

still sit by unshuttered portholes,

hungry eyes drinking in the sight.

Older ones outnumber them

Lean back weary arms crossed,

Seeking sleep

The attendant comes,

like good children we wait quietly,

sitting in our seats, eager anticipation,

hoping not to be passed over.

I nod off, coming to, afraid I have

missed the awaited treat

The tattooed curly haired beauty next to me,

handing the precious pretzel packets to me in shy solidarity.

I pass it to the Indian man beside me.

In silent fellowship we eat our pretzel packets,

Together

Ginger ale, tomato juice, and a whiskey

In silent communion we consume.

And then wait together.

Jolting again

Through the rough wind, invisible

Trusting that the darkened tube is still

sailing toward the earth

Towards that place

Where familiar faces and voices await us,

Home

There was something that almost made me cry, how we suddenly all became little children. The glamorous well-dressed curly-haired tattooed girl next to me, who probably doesn't agree with me on politics or religion or anything, waking me up so I didn't miss the snack. We may have all been in kindergarten, looking out for each other. I feel like I love her so much. With the love of a 6 year old who just was saved from snack-less-ness by the other 6 year old. Words may have ruined it, we would have disagreed about everything. But there was something about that silence, as if our souls were all lined up, silence stripping away our self-created identities, and just children inside. May God bless her abundantly.

Combatting Insomnia Round 2---breathing allergies cured by sardines [macrocytic anemia]---- Now onto glucose management!

I wrote about this earlier in my troubleshooting breathing issues with inflamed sinuses, and  combatting insomnia round 1

Breathing Issues Neutralized or Solved?

The breathing issues are gone---none whatsoever. Which may be why I'm getting a solid 6 hours now, instead of 3-4 hour chunks. [I used to wake up and then need to sneeze 3x and drink a hot cup of tea to calm down my sinuses to lie down again]

1.  Dust Free Sleep environment. Deep Cleaning my room!
1. I got all the exposed fabrics out of the room, clothes only in the closet or in a dresser. 
2. Washed curtains once a month. 
3. Washed my sheets every 7 days. BUT washed my pillowcases every 3 days. I picked up a bunch of 100% cotton pillowcases at the thrift store, and now throw pillowcases in with the other laundry constantly, to have a steady stream of clean pillowcases.
4. I washed my blankets & quilts and ran them through the dryer ever 2 weeks
5.  Mopped the hard surfaces
6. Was vigilant about not letting kids climb over my bed as a couch during the day. They track in pollens etc. Was vigilant about not sitting on my bed as a couch during the day as well.
7. Also, maybe the summer pollen count not being as bad as the fall/spring...
8. Ironically...getting more sleep. This is recursive. Interesting how my twin says her breathing issues get worse on sleep deprivation. That poor sleep actually increases allergies. [a destructive positive feedback loop here]
9. Air filter running (but I had this all along. I think with a dusty room it didn't help)
2. Fish Fix Also my twin got diagnosed with macrocytic (sp?) anemia, which is an anemia caused by some people with this gene needing stuff in sea-weed and sardines and daenjang....so Korean blood needs Korean food, I suppose. As my Korean mom always said "If I don't eat Korean food for 2 weeks, I get sick". So more sardines, more kimchi, more Miyeok Guk AND---macrocytic anemia causes worse respiratory symptoms, and exacerbates respiratory allergies. When my twin (with horrible dust-mite allergies) at a strictly Korean diet, all of her allergic symptoms went away.

Getting 6 hours, and able to fall back asleep afterwards, but struggling with tiredness....Glucose?

 I am now getting 6 hours a night, zero breathing issues. I don't even wake up sneezing, like I used to for months.

So now, when I wake up after 6 hours, I sometimes doze back for small trippy dream chunks. (Which I didn't used to be able to do). So that's a plus. BUT.....I will crawl out of bed, 8 hours after I went in, very tired still, despite being in bed 8 hours and having (I think) a solid 6 hours.

I will often mispell words (for me, a sign of sleep deprivation). Lately I have been spelling things like "King Arther" and "whent to the store". This is a sign I've had for 10 years, that I'm not sleeping well. But right now, its when I appear to be sleeping, but still wake up tired and can't spell.

I have trouble remembering, and generally feel overall crappy & tired.

From my research, excessive cortisol makes it hard to sleep long. AND having too much glucose in your blood at night also messes with sleep.

Glucose is my old enemy. I remember when I was taking my blood-sugars for my pregnancy with Irene, whenever I woke up so tired, waking blood sugar was over 85. When I woke up feeling extremely tire, more tired than when I went to bed, it was 95-100.

When I woke up feeling ok, it was usually in the 80-85 range. When I woke up feeling awesome, my waking blood sugar was 75. 

So sleeping with highish blood sugar (note, still within range for doctors saying its ok) but I could literally FEEL the difference between a waking blood sugar of 80 and a blood sugar of 95.

Back when I was battling gestational diabetes, I would eat nothing carb-y at dinner (I still ate green beans etc, with my lentil curry, so some carbs---but no grains, no wheat, no pasta, etc), and I would sleep better. Also, I had to eat early dinners, and no snacks afterwards---not even cheese or vegetables. I suppose this was a 'time restricted feeding' sorta thing, though I didn't realize it. I just knew that not eating for a good stretch before trying to go to sleep helped me wake up rested.

Breathing issues solved. Next up: Blood Sugar

1. Keep evening glucose LOW
1. Build muscle mass to help with glucose management----Lift 2x/week. GOAL: Gain 7 lb of muscle by Christmas 
2. Early (5/5:30pm) Low-Carb/Keto-ish Dinners? [make sure you eat more food earlier] 
3. ?Running machine to soak up glucose---but it must be a good bit before bed, so as not to spike your cortisol before sleep----you are all done by 7pm [so like 1 mile, resistance 5-10, right after dinner]
2. LIGHT and Circadian Rhythms
1. SUNLIGHT---20 min walk in the morning, in the early morning sunlight together. 6am
2. Make sure all the blue light filters are on on the computers
3. Meditate/give our worries to God/Pray together before bed by candlelight.
4. Find and set aside a Josh-Hannah talking time. And make it illegal for Hannah to talk after 10pm??? [then must go to our room by 9:30pm]
3. CLEAN AIR---Keep bedroom clean 
4. Fish Fish---eat Meukguk every Wednesday, Kimchi, Daenjang, and Sardines a few times a week to cure Macrocytic Anemia, and help with the Respiratory system.

To know God....

This morning I awoke early, was thinking, half asleep. Had a dream in which I wanted a baby so badly, I was afraid I would steal my sisters' new baby.

I thought about life. About how lately I've been empty inside, struggling with something. Tup tup pe, is how the Koreans call it. All the emotions jammed up inside, you're not even sure what's in there.

Computer games have these images in them. No wonder people play them. That makes me feel like I can almost feel the thing I am missing but forgot what it was, till I forget the feeling of missing it. And then a cool trailer, a sunrise to music and a purpose....then For one second, suddenly realizing that I am not alive, but used to be....Why does it take stories to make me feel this way? Epic trailers with epic music, and epic tragedies or triumphs...I start to feel like I can feel again for a moment....but why do I not see it in my real life all around  me? Why is it this pixelated image from a virtual world, not the sunsets I see with my own eyes? Why this numbness only stories can cut through? 

I've been struggling with a sense of missing something. Perhaps mid-life crisis. Perhaps a missing uterus. Perhaps missing my two little boys. And knowing a chapter of my life is over.

I've been missing that something a lot. 

Sometimes it felt like I was missing feelings. Or feeling alive. Like I was watching my own life distantly, through glass. Not really feeling. Not really seeing. The little ones are growing up all around me, I'm surrounded by life....and yet somehow I've felt so checked out this last year. As if I'm not really living my own life. It is my own fault too. I have avoided doing real things, interacting with my real children, to spend many hours on the internet, browsing youtube. Or immersed in my own fiction,  writing a star wars story. Why is it like I am chasing filling, or feelings, in an alternate world. Or really, inside my own head. Hours talking to my own brain. 

Am I processing life? Or escaping it, in concentrically smaller circles of insanity?

I know I process when I write. I partly write to think. But I know I also write looking for something. Is this the definition of insanity? Endlessly talking to my own self, for hours and hours of my life...when there are other humans all around me, who would love my attention? Often they are in their own little worlds and stories, interacting with eachother. But they would want me to be with them. They often ask for it.

How long have I been stuck in my own head? Searching for something, feeling empty, like I had swallowed so much air my throat hurt.

And it made sense, somehow, half asleep in the dawn light, that I was trying to fill the God-shaped emptiness inside of myself, with other things. Cramming in other shaped things. It didn't fit. 

I need to focus on reaching outside of myself....to the Creator who made me. Get out of these concentric circles in my own mind. And look at Him.

Perhaps that is what worship means.

To just look at Him. And see Him. Really see Him.

*****************************************8

Practical steps:

1. Actually go outside at 6 when I wake up, and pray at the prayergarden where my little boys are buried. And pray. And see what He says.....Ask Him who He is. I can show up. And see what He does.
2. Read the Bible. In as many different translations as I can. This year, perhaps NASB. Next year, KJV. The year after that ESV. Mix it up with reading it and listening to it. Somehow different hings jump out at me then.
3. Do devotion time with the kids. 5-5-5
1. Five minutes of listening to NKJV dramatized audioBible on youtube
2. Five minutes of silent journaling, silent prayer
3. Five minutes of Korean Style Prayer [Everyone outloud and praying]

Protein for Breakfast: Adventures in Ninja Blender Egg Puddings

The key to delicious blender egg-puddings is 

1. the eggs MUST be soft-boiled [whites cooked, yolks a bit runny in the centers]

2. you must refrigerate it for 6 hours to get rid of the sulfur taste, and to thicken it up.

Courtesy of this excellent high-protein recipe blog, she also has really cool birth stories.

 Josh has a very narrow list of things he will eat for breakfast. Even more narrow of a list than what he will eat for the rest of his life.

He sadly gave up breakfast cereal when I presented him with the scientific evidence it hastens the onset of diabetes, and may have contributed to insulin resistence-->diabetes-->obesity epidemic of the west. Because slamming your empty stomach with 45gr of carbs, and only 4 grams of protein and 4 grams of fat, will yield a glucose spike. As surely as sparks fly upward. Alas, farewell, ye fad of breakfast cereal.

But Josh just can't get behind the ancient traditions of Asian soup, meat, and vegetable breakfast. Sweet breakfasts remain dear to his heart.

GOAL: Get 30g of protein into him at breakfast, with no more than 30g of carbohydrate. And lots of animal based fats.

Sweet Breakfasts with Balanced Macros  

(Balanced Macros = about equal numbers each of grams of protein and fat and carbs) This recipe has about 24-28g protein [depending on the size of your eggs], 24 g carb, 50-68ish grams fat depending on the heaviness of your cream. If this has too many calories, or if you have a sensitivity to one of the preservatives sometimes used in heavy cream [check the box, 0000 in my case, alas], then use sour cream. 

For few calories, use sour cream OR half-n-half in place of the cream.

Sour cream only only 20g of fat instead of 40-48g of fat like the heavy cream, adds 4g of carbs, and 4g of protein. Making the macros for the pudding 28-32g protein, 28g carb, 40g fat]

Note: if you want the texture thicker, use a little less cream. If you want it thinner, use 1/4 c. each water and cream [instead of 1/2 c. cream]

• Chocolate Egg Pudding (Ninja Blender)
• NOTES: You *must* not overcook the eggs. You must make it the night before, and refrigerate overnight. This mitigates the sulfur taste to negligible.
• 2 T. cocoa powder
• 4 soft boiled eggs [whites cooked, yolk still a little wet in the middle, 'smush boiled']
• 2 t. vanilla extract
• 2 T. sugar
•  1/2 c. heavy cream
• Vanilla Egg Pudding (Ninja blender)
• NOTES: You *must* not overcook the eggs. You must make it the night before, and refrigerate overnight. This mitigates the sulfur taste to negligible.
• 4 soft boiled eggs [whites cooked, yolk still a little wet in the middle, 'smush boiled']
• 2 t. vanilla extract
• 2 T. sugar
• scant 1/2 c. heavy cream
• Reeses Pieces Peanut Butter pudding [FAVORITE]
• This tastes like the soul of Reeses Pieces!!!
• NOTES: You *must* not overcook the eggs. You must make it the night before, and refrigerate overnight. This mitigates the sulfur taste to negligible.
• 4 soft boiled [just not quite hard boiled] eggs  
• [2 t. vanilla extract]
• 2 T. sugar
• 1 T. cocoa
• 2-3 T. PB fit peanutbutter powder// OR natural peanutbutter?
• 1 scoop whey protein
• ? 1/2 c. heavy cream

• Lemon Egg Pudding
• NOTES: You *must* not overcook the eggs. You must make it the night before, and refrigerate overnight. This mitigates the sulfur taste to negligible.
• 4 soft boiled eggs [whites cooked, yolk still a little wet in the middle, 'smush boiled']
• 2 T. sugar
• 1/2 t. lemon extract [1 t. tastes fake. Josh likes it though]
• 1 T. lemon juice
• scant 1/2 c. heavy cream
• 
  

• Dark Chocolate Egg Pudding the only one that really masks slightly overcooked* hardcooked eggs. (*Slightly overcooked = Tinged green yolks, not full grey-green yolks. Full grey green just chug down and drink water afterwards)
• NOTES: You *must* not overcook the eggs. You must make it the night before, and refrigerate overnight. This mitigates the sulfur taste to negligible.
• 3 T. cocoa powder [2 T. normal cocoa, 1 T. black cocoa]
• 4 soft boiled eggs [whites cooked, yolk still a little wet in the middle, 'smush boiled']
• 2 t. vanilla extract
• 1/2 t. almond extract
• 2 T. sugar
•  1/2 c. heavy cream

•  Coffee pudding
• NOTES: You *must* not overcook the eggs. You must make it the night before, and refrigerate overnight. This mitigates the sulfur taste to negligible.
• 1-2 t. instant coffee [decaf or real, depending on the time of day]
• 4 soft boiled eggs [whites cooked, yolk still a little wet in the middle, 'smush boiled']
• [1/2 t. vanilla extract optional]
• 1 1/2 T. sugar
• 1/2 c. heavy cream
• [untested] Hannah's Cheesecake pudding
• NOTES: You *must* not overcook the eggs. You must make it the night before, and refrigerate overnight. This mitigates the sulfur taste to negligible.
• 3 soft boiled eggs
• 1 T. gelatin in 1/4 c. water
• 2 T. sugar
• 1 t. almond extract
• 1 t. vanilla extract 
• 1 t. lemon juice
• 1/4 c. heavy cream  [OR 2/3 c. sour cream?]
• 2 scoops cream cheese [1/2 c.?]
• Serve with a dollop of Sweet Cream [recipe] and a graham cracker
•  SWEET CREAM RECIPE
• 1.5 lb tub of sour cream
• 1/4 c. sugar
• 2 t. almond extract [or 1 t. each vanilla, and almond extract]

• [untested] Reeses Peanut Butter Cup pudding 
• NOTES: You *must* not overcook the eggs. You must make it the night before, and refrigerate overnight. This mitigates the sulfur taste to negligible.
• 4 soft boiled [just not quite hard boiled] eggs  
• 2 t. vanilla extract
• 2 T. sugar
• 2 T. cocoa
• 1/2 c. heavy cream
• [untested] Mocha pudding
• NOTES: You *must* not overcook the eggs. You must make it the night before, and refrigerate overnight. This mitigates the sulfur taste to negligible.
• 2 T. cocoa powder
• 1 T. instant coffee [decaf or real, depending on the time of day]
• 4 soft boiled eggs [whites cooked, yolk still a little wet in the middle, 'smush boiled']
• 2 t. vanilla extract
• 2 T. sugar
•  1/2 c. heavy cream
• [not perfected] Matcha pudding 
• Somehow is just meh. I think the egg+matcha combination somehow doesn't work as well as I thought it would. Maybe try this with gelatin to replace some of the eggs?
• NOTES: You *must* not overcook the eggs. You must make it the night before, and refrigerate overnight. This mitigates the sulfur taste to negligible.
• 2 t. matcha mixed into...
• 1/4 c. water in tiny increments
• 4 soft boiled eggs [whites cooked, yolk still a little wet in the middle, 'smush boiled']
• 2 T. sugar
•  1/4 c. heavy cream

Variations: 

1. For health, try to cut the sugar to 1.5 T, or even 1 T.
2. For health, replace the 1/2 c. heavy cream with 1/4 c. heavy cream and 1/4 c. water with 1 T. gelatin dissolved into it.
3. Try this with whey protein mixed in, to up the protein content.

Savory Breakfasts

• Breakfast Sandwiches (Egg & Cheese, Sausage, English Muffin) here
• The best part about this one is I can make a batch of 10, and wrap and freeze in a gallon ziploc for reheating.
• Melted butter brushed on, broil toast, the English Muffins
• Egg and cheese casserole, baked 2" thick, cut into circles
• Sausage patties---make them myself, to be big enough
• 3 Fried Eggs & Hash Browns/Butter fried Toast
• Fry the hash browns in beef fat. Fry the eggs in butter.

Getting outside in the Desert Dawn: Surviving Summers in Phoenix Arizona while raising little Rangers

Little Rangers need to go a'ranging...

But in the desert that means being a Dawn Ranger. Waking to stars and chasing the twilights.

Phoenix in the summer is unbearable. Unless you chase the twilights. Live in the dawn and the dusks. Hide from the sun from 8am to 6pm. This handy reference helps, showing dawn times in the year.

HO WE WE ARE GOING TO DO IT:

1. Adventures from 5am to 8am....it starts to look beautiful 20 min after nautical twilight (40 min before sunrise) so  from 4:40 when sunrise is technically 5:20. 
2. Kids must learn to speak in whispers and travel quietly like real rangers when around Birdwatchers and Fishermen.
3. Load up to go home by 8am,  
4. Siesta/Quiet Book Time at 11-2pm
5. Got the America the Beautiful Pass. So we need to use it at least 12 times to make it retroactively worth it.
6. If staying outside after 8am---Hats, sunscreen, water-bottles 

Dawn Adventures---Weekday

• Granite Reef Recreation area, wild horses at dawn. Go on a weekday, once a week. 
• ?Pebble Beach
• ?Hidden Valley/Fat Man's pass/South Mouuntain? [no water, just desert. Only right at dawn]
• ?Sears-Kay Ruin (Hohokam)
• Check out more on Alltrails....

Day Trips with Daddy. [Early Saturday mornings]

• Water Wheel Falls Park. Aim to be there from 6-10. [starts filling up at 9] So need to get up at 4am and start driving. Then come home at 9:30/10 when its getting really hot and crowded, and the UV index soars. Come home, eat, and have a siesta
• ?Canyon Lake @ 5am [ 1 hr away. Acacia Recreation Site]
• ?Lake Saguaro @ 5am [42 min away]
• ?Granite Reef @ 5am [fishers?  23 min, L202 at dawn]

Evenings in the Twilights

6-8pm you can go outside, if you are wet.... The sun is down, but it has exhausted itself in pumping its heat into the earth. Here we are constrained by Daddy having a day job. So either we frolic off without him, or we drag an exhausted man out into the heat for adventures after a long day at work.... 

-I think maybe the best option here is enjoy dusk together as a family, in the backyard, in some sort of water games. And save the family adventures with Daddy, on weekend camping trips. 

Weekend Camping Trips ---once a month

June

• last chance at Mingus---EARLY june, Prescott, 
• Payson--Christopher Creek
• Payson-ish Houston Mesa Campground NEAR Water Wheel Falls (Payson) NEAR Flowing Springs
• Maybe Sedona & Oak Creek Canyon Too Hot

July--Mountains or Creeks, 

• CHRISTOPHER CREEK IN PAYSON 
• Payson-ish Houston Mesa Campground NEAR Water Wheel Falls (Payson) NEAR Flowing Springs
• Maybe Oak Creek Canyon/Sedona [bc of Oak creek. Also Manzanita is COOLER they say, Pine Flats, Bootlegger, Cave Spring], 
• Maybe Mogollon Campground is 2mi from a lake....  Too Hot
• OR THE ROCKIES

Aug--Mountains or Creeks, PAYSON,OR THE ROCKIES Oak Creek Canyon/Sedona... Too Hot

CHRISTOPHER CREEK IN PAYSON 

Payson-ish Houston Mesa Campground NEAR Water Wheel Falls (Payson) NEAR Flowing Springs

Sept--Mountains or Creeks, PAYSON, OR Oak Creek Canyon/Sedona [Finally Cool Enough!...]

• CHRISTOPHER CREEK IN PAYSON 
• Payson-ish Houston Mesa Campground NEAR Water Wheel Falls (Payson) NEAR Flowing Springs

Oct -- AZ Rim-country, Prescott, Mingus [may-oct] OR Oak Creek Canyon/Sedona...

• Last chance for Mingus !!!!

For reference, for the rest of the year

Nov--AZ Desert 

• AZ desert dawn hikes,  
• Hidden Valley, 
• Fat Man's pass
• Sears-Kay Ruin (Hohok am)
• Check out Alltrails
• ??Montezuma's well [3 hr drive]
• Pioneer Museum? 
• Lost Dutchman campsite

Dec & Jan--AZ Desert dawn hikes [Hidden Valley, Pioneer Museum? Fat Man's pass, Sears-Kay Ruin (Hohokam)] Have back-yard fires and toast marshmallows. Pick at the Orange Grove!

Feb --AZ Desert dawn hikes, Lost Dutchman campsite, Explore Arizona!

March--AZ Desert dawn hikes, Lost Dutchman campsite...or THE MINE

[I need to reserve the Spring reservations by Nov/Dec, and Summer reservations by Feb/March]

April -- AZ Rim-country/Sedona Oak Creek--- AZ desert Dawn Hikes 

• [too hot to camp in AZ desert]
• [Mingus Mountain and Mogollan Campground and Aspen AZ not open till May], 
• THE MINE Morenci, AZ
• Yavapai, White Spar (Prescott) is open [but terrible bathrooms] not alot of trees
• Sedona/Oak Creek stuff is Open
• Maybe....Payson IS ALL FF IN APRIL [Christopher Creek] and Ponderosea (AZ)
•  Houston Mesa [Payson near Water Wheel, Flowing Springs] are FF in April 

May -- AZ Rim-country, Prescott, ----Sedona/Oak Creek stuff is Open  (Payson is open)

• Mingus Mountain! 
• Mogollon Campground on Rim ??
• ASPEN AZ ??
• Ponderosa AZ ??
• Sedona/Oak Creek stuff is Open(Pine Flatts) [We had a great time at Cave Spring Sedona in May]
• Christopher creek, 
• Houston Mesa Campground NEAR Water Wheel Falls (Payson)  Time for this the next 3 months

And how to homestead...when we are in a little quarter-acre lot in a desert, and may move in the near-ish future?

Homestead, but not as the homestead being the goal---as we may need to sell, and later owners destroy it. Plant fruit trees, for the future if owners keep it. And always garden with the kids. Involve my little rangers as much as possible...because its about the memories being forged WITH them, and the skills being forged IN them, and not about the physical garden or home so much. We are traveling, but we can make these way-stations along the way as beautiful as we can. As green as we can. As productive as we can. 

But it should always be about the little Rangers, and not the way-station.

Combatting Insomnia: Round One

UPDATE: These things helped, but most of all, what is helping is wearing earplugs (30 db, the orange foam ones you can twist in with the little blue handle, from walmart, a big pack for $5). It helps me sleep much better, getting 7 hrs, roughly 11pm to 6am.  And *always keeping the same schedule*, getting ready for bed when the sleepiness starts {10:30}, never pushing through to the "2nd wind", that really messes me up. And getting some exercise in.

UPDATE: Round Two here

 Struggling with Insomnia since fall 2023.

Underlying conditions...trauma? hormones? sublimated grief? perimemopause after uterine loss?

Things to try

Routine is everything. Build in the circadian rhythm. Work with your natural rhythm.

• Non-negotiable bedtime. Must be 8 hours in bed. (So working backwards from my inevitable 6am wake up, I need to be in bed at 10pm.)
• I need to go out in the morning sunlight. Melatonin levels

Build in the wind-down time. There are things you want to do. Find a time for it and work it in, so you are not tempted to stay up at night to do them.

• Downtime, to write
• Downtime, to pray, Bible, Journal
• Time to have that happy rocking and chatting time with the girls
• Time to talk to Josh (!) or I end up doing soliliquies at 11pm....

Prepare ahead of time, so you aren't dog-tired pushing yourself to get things done and then you realize you need to do these things before bed, and then kick off another wake cycle and climb into bed awake, having sacrificed the sleepy wave to try to rush to do them all.

• AHEAD OF TIME do these things
• Jammies Brush Teeth
• Check the washing machine, 
• putaway food, brush my teeth, EARLIER so I don't suddenly realize

Sleep Conducive environment---Clean Quiet Dark Room.

• Socks
• Warm blankets. Cool head.
• White noise
• Earplugs
• Black out curtains
• Make the kids be quiet before 7am.

When you do wake up, salt lamp light. Prayer.

• No screens during insomnia night. No bright lights.
•  If you have ideas, write them down in a journal by salt-lamp. 
• Read the Bible by salt lamp. 
• Have a prayer-journal by salt-lamp.

Exercise. My ancestors got a ton more exercise than I do. [drawing water from teh well, kids on their backs, farming with hand tools, etc] If that was the norm for millenia, it is highly unlikely that there's no connection between the sudden rise in insomnia and the sudden lack of physical exercise.

• 20 min of cardio, every day, on the treadmill, breathing through my nose
• Strength training
• Try to work outside [gardening etc] at dawn, a little every day

Genius Aliens using social engineering to teach humans the One Thing

 If I awoke with my mind wiped of all memories, to sit and watch humanity on a million secret CCTV's, I think I would conclude that the human race had been either modified or created by aliens running a vast social experiment, with a single goal.

We start out, excited about life, wanting warmth and sustenance and our mothers to cuddle and sustain us as our mammalian biology dictates. We scream demanding sweet calories from our mothers carbohydrate rich milk. And we get it. And we grunt in satisfaction, guzzling the deliciousness as fast as we can.

We grow, mature, and are suddenly really really good-looking. Beautiful, infact. Like the best looking we'll ever be in our lives, though we don't realize that yet..... 

And raging full of hormones. And we are suddenly very attracted to the opposite sex, and want to do this thing that gives us a huge hormonal high. A literal drug trip in our brains. But free. And not bad for us. 

And when we engage in this activity with someone, our brain dopes us up on oxytocin, which we have receptors for, which makes us 'bond' to that specific person. [monogamous voles have these oxytocin receptors. When they disabled them in their brains, the voles then behaved polyamorously like other species. Humans have these oxytocin receptors]

A person we have picked out for a various handful of perhaps subconscious but logical reasons that makes them stand out to us. Beauty or wit or making those hilarious jokes or geeking out about our favorite books together. Some personal infatuation algorithm we have that tries to calculate how to maximize our future happiness.

And then, the sexual-desire hormone, testosterone, which is super abundant in males, spikes precipitously in females...once a month...right on that little window of fertility. So when she suddenly when its the hardest to resist.....now....

BAM.

Now there is a baby.

And the baby comes out screaming for sustenance, and a womans breasts suddenly fill up PAINFULLY like they're going to burst, and the little desperate creature is the best at relieving this. And while she is doing this, then that oxytocin is released in her brain, as she holds this little mammal to her....the bonding chemical kicks in again.

And then, as the sleep deprivation subside, her hormones resume....and then even if she is trying to avoid this whole thing happening again (labor transition pain is after all not easily forgotten) well, the the testosterone spikes again at a critical moment, and her man is suddenly irresistible....

Source: https://xkcd.com/674/

And then there are more little people. And more. And more. And they are so darn cute, as we have been mentally programmed to find our offspring. 

And they grow and grow.

And then....they turn into obnoxious teenagers who point out all our problems and our hypocrisy, with a nice dash of ungrateful and cutting insight into our psyches.

But at this point, we've sunk way too many sleepless nights and free housing and emotional energy into these obnoxious little punks, so we still want them to come home for holidays and blow out candles together.

And all the while our beauty fades and fades away....we sadly see some of those things that attracted us when we were young, to that person we have oxytocin-bonded too, fade away. It fades away in both of us.

And our health, our strength, our taste, our vigor, our ability to climb mountains and taste maple-syrup, all the things that made life fun, fade away....

And finally, even our mental capabilities fade away....

And we are a shell of our former gifts, old, wrinkled, bent, fat, and finally, stupid.....

And all that's left, is the soul. 

The choice to love, that all began, for very calculated and logical reasons, to maximize our happiness..... in the end, remains when all the reasons are taken away. Illogical, but there. 

....and we realize....as everything fades away......

                                           .........that we have finally learned to love. 

*************

This song says it better than I ever could

Combatting Allergies: my thoughts at 4 am with inflamed sinuses....

 UPDATE: Cure found here?

Root Causes: Immune system is funky. Off kilter. Over-reacting. Jumpy. Touchy. Just plain weird.

Symptoms: 

• nasal congestion at night. It feels like my body is actually producing more mucous as soon as I lie down,
• The "swelling feeling" in my sinuses when I lie down to sleep [sometimes with the 'popping' sound like a creaking wood ship, can feel it many successive pop pops. Sometimes squeaks.[hear inside my head, like that awful poprock candy]
• Vicious [cycle?] of only being able to sleep 3 hr chunks, often up for 1 hr between chunks. Getting only 6ish hours total of sleep a night. 
•  Itchy eyes. Tired all the time.

Clues: 

1. Mold in my twin's AC, and that time 3 yrs ago, my AC.
2. Start sneezing a lot around Bermuda grass and cats. But when one allergy worse, all worse. Bc its an immune thing. Allergies seem to piggyback. When one is bad, then everything else gets worse.
3. Josh had bad allergies for 10 yrs. Took cetirizine and levo-cetirizine. Then finally gave up allergy meds, and 70% if his symptoms went away. The pills will help with the flare out, but consistent long term use overall made the problem worse. So in this case, drugging his immune system gave short term relief at the cost of long term symptoms. As if the immune system was 'rebelling' to being drugged, and then net, overcompensating. ?Like moving around in a canoe?
4. When I take allergy medicine [tried 3 kinds] I just feel exhausted and tired when I wake up, despite having supposedly more sleep.
5. ??Always allergies in the Spring, like March, April. When the heat really hits, it recedes. Then comes back in the fall, Oct, Nov?? I remember it being REALLY BAD March and April 2023. Got air filters, felt like I was jsut falling apart. But the allergies weren't even the cause, it felt like even when it went away, I slept poorly. Then it was bad again, in March/April 2024, wasn't sleeping well, so I got all social and invited people over bc I was sorta sleep deprived uninhibited all the time. Fall 2022, we had found mold in the AC unit. [Spring of 2022 I really started noticing my allergies getting worse]. Something to do with AZ wildflower weeds? Am I just allergic to my own house? What is going on?
6. ?Twin in 2020 went on a mostly korean diet, dust mite allergies went away
7. ?Identical twin sister always had mmuch worse allergies than me. Same genetics, same environment, but as if the switch "flipped" earlier. Cat allergies from teenhood. My cat allergies didn't start till 28 yrs old. Used to be able to share a pillow with a cat. Hah.
8. ?I have been sleeping poorly since March 2024, what would have been Anthony's due date. Good nights I get 7 hrs. Maybe 30% of the time. Reverse insomnia, inability to sleep longer than 3.5 hrs. Up middle of the night, alergies, etc. 70% of the time. Inability to 'sleep in'. Last few months, 6 almost solid hrs on a good night. more like 3 + 2/3 hr chunks. Tired throughout the day. Now in Spring of 2025, allergies flaring in April again. Not as bad as last year, but really bad the last week, despite no rain. 

Things that help my allergies: 

• sitting up. 
• Hot tea.  
• ???helps or is just a result? SLEEPING WELL.
• Not being near cats or bermuda grass

Things to try: 

1. Exercise, cardio, every day, while forcing myself to breath through my nose. Need to make my brain get used to that.
2. Boost Immune system with Fruits and Vegs and sunlight. Vitamin C, magnesium etc. Eat lots of fruits and Veg and meat and sauerkraut. Get 20 min of vitamin D sunlight on my skin in the winter. Sit on a bench with my back to the sun during the winter. [wear a hat]
3. KIMCHI every day 
1. We found a significant inverse association between kimchi consumption and the asthma. We believe that this is the first study showing an inverse relationship between kimchi consumption and asthma in adults. Source
4. Yogurt every day
1. A study in the journal Clinical and Experimental Allergy found that people with allergies who consumed Lactobacillus casei, a probiotic found in yogurt, had lower levels of antibodies that respond to allergic reactions
5. Sauerkraut every day. Home-made [live] Sauerkraut every day [why not?] Its white people's kimchi and they've been doing it thousands of years.
6. Try to get good sleep to boost immunse system [hah]. So good sleep schedule. e.g. in bed by 10:15 pm, every night, no matter what. Start the same nightly routine, every night, at 9:45 pm, no matter what. Date night with Josh every week [or 2x/week?], where we talk, so I don't end up doing random talking times late at night. Not Youtube in the evenings. 
7. Go on an evening walk/outside during the golden hour. Be exposed to pollens in a calm relaxed setting. Try to make my warhawk immune system realize the pollen isn't an invader. e.g. "See immune system? These are friends..."
8. Don't use my bed as a couch during the day. [or let kids into my room during the day] Introduces allergens. Get a shorter pew bench in my room, before the bed, to sit on. ?cut off access to the bed with furniture, so kids less likely to play hide n seek on it? Lock up my room during the day as much as possible. Keep it as allergen free as possible. Spend the rest of the day desensitizing  myself to allergens, but make my bedroom as allergen free as possible.
9. Air filter in bedrooms [already doing it, doesn't seem to be doing much] 
10. Clean out my bedroom until its all hard surfaces. No soft surfaces except the bed. 
11. Wash sheets&blankets every WEEK on hot. USE THE HIGH cycle on the dryer for sheets & blankets [kills dust mites]. In the winter, you can just run the blanket on high heat once a week for 10 min, to kill dust mites.  

 Basically its a 3 pronged approach

1. Boost the Immune system by giving it what it needs, vitamins, gut health, and sleep [strict sleep schedule and exercise]
2. Exposure therapy in a calm setting. [Go outside in the golden evening hour]
3. Cleanroom approach to my bedroom. [not the rest of my life. Just here]

Thoughts on Beauty and Clothing as I become an Old Lady

 On the eve of my 37th birthday, I'm thinking about this. 

Hopefully, a little early.*

When we age we are still beautiful. But the beauty changes. Not in the attractive/possibility-of-bearing-life/sexual being sort of way. But still beautiful--but transmuted.

No longer-----a princess, ready for her adventure story--full of possibility, desire, and potential, an unlined face, fresh with newness. Facing a life. Springtime.

But instead----a queen-----who has lived, seen, suffered, and is still doing her part to uphold good in the world. The Autumn of her life, facing the Winter, awaiting the eternal Spring that will come.

Shift from-----unstained beauty. Possibility. Potential. Future. Alluring. Begetting. Flowering

Shift to--->weathered beauty. History. A face lined with testament of the light of a thousand worlds, in struggles fought, lost or won. Standing. Still standing. Doing her part, standing at the pass. And awaiting the final ending of the world.

"Ideals to Strive For" e.g. "Fashion Icons"

1. Tangle, the girl in the Golden Key, at the end, when she is waiting for the boy Mossy at the gate at the end, and has long silver hair and a face covered in wrinkles, waiting by the door, in hope.
2. Kanaan's Jedi mentor Depa Billaba from Greg Weisman's comic. If she had gotten to be as old as the Jedi Librarian [name]. How I imagine she would have been. Sitting up tall, silver hair, flowing robes, stately. Kind to children.
3. Irene's grandma in the Princess and the Goblin. [although this is slightly cheating since she didn't have wrinkles, just fabulous silver hair and immortality...] OK, so Irene's grandma IF SHE had been more mortal. 
4. Old medieval queen, who has been though a lot. [wars, grief, etc], standing tall, waiting in hope for the return of the Hero, bringing back her lost husband and sons. St Margaret in her old age.
5. Old Ma Ingalls.
6. Old Ranger in Arnor, who knows the paths, tracking a trail, listening for signals, knows the coming of the dawn---but the female version. Going to have to find a story with this---or write one myself---or flesh it out in reality.
7. Candy Grandma at church. White haired old woman wheel-chair-bound, handing out gummi worms to all the children. Always smiling, emanating joy. Very cheerful. She put evangelistic bumper stickers on the back of her wheelchair. She always seems to be overflowing with joy. Kids line up and she gives them 2 gummi worms each. I've seen her give them to awkward but still sugar-desiring teenagers. She doesn't make anyone feel guilty, or sorry for her. Radiantly smiling. Overflowing with kindness and happiness, and love for the little mercenary young ones seeing her as a sugar-dispenser. She just loves everyone. After you leave her presence you remember a smiling face with bright eyes and curly white hair.
8. Mother Teresa. She was so beautiful. Bright eyes in a dear wrinkled face. Smiling in joy at the children, she refracted their beauty to what we could see---like a crystal splitting the light to many colors.

Try to be beautiful as long as possible, wear my hair down, as it things, probably armpit/shoulder-length, curled/permed, and pin it on the sides for side-volume. Or just in the elven-style. Then when I have enough wrinkles I want to go grey/silver, and wear my hair long, in two long silvery braids. If my hair gets too thin for this, I shall have to keep it armpit/shoulderlength in a half-up. 

Stand and sit up like a queen. Straight as I can. Work out as much as I can, to keep posture, and my ability to be strong as I can, to walk.

Wear classically beautiful sillhouette, still feminine, but stately. Womanly, old, queenly. 

Long Fit-flared dresses, now with high mandarin collars. If the dress has a scoop neck, wear a white-mandarin collar beneath it. Still wear Dirndls with white blouses, my grey-white hair wrapped in a crown braid. Prairie school-marm fit and flared dresses. Something Ma Ingalls would have worn. And medieval gothic fitted dresses, with a white under-blouse, or a high neck.

Wear make-up, not overdone. Eyebrows are a must on me. Probably blush will be too, as I age. 

And always smile. Encourage the young people, that life is worth it. That despite all the disappointments and pain in life, it is worth it.

 There is Joy on the other side.

And we will get through the night, and make it through to the Other Side.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*[I hope to be able to pull off my current fashion sense of DunedainMom/Ranger-woman, and feminine/pretty/dirndl/medieval for another decade, or decade and a half. I hope. Really hoping my body doesn't hit menopause till 54, like my mommy, despite having lost my uterus. Alas. Imma get it back on the day of Resurrection. I asked Jesus to find it, and give it back to me. I know I won't be using it in the New Heavens and the New Earth...but it was part of me my whole life, and I want it back, in whatever glorified state it may be. If medieval paintings have the various body parts of hapless sailors being coughed up by sea-monsteres, and coming back together again, to stand at the last judgment----it stands to reason I get my uterus back from whatever biohazard dump it was lost in.]

Epic Choreographed Star Wars Fights....

 ....having fun with the kids, doing these epic choreographed fights.

The keys are 

1. Master the basics
2. No T-rex arms---keep your arms out wide from you, swinging in great sweeping motions. As you would if you were wielding a death laser
3. Keep your blocks vertical, and out from your body. As you would if you were blocking yourself with a death laser that could burn you.
4. Keep your attacks with big forward steps. 
5. Keep your defense with big backwards steps.
6. Work in as many spins as possible. (right after a 9 parry is a good place for both people to spin)
7. 8-1-2-1, 8-4-3-4-8, triangle attacks, look pretty epic. Change up the defense with inverted 1's and 2's to keep things interesting.

Going to put up some videos of me and the kids doing these.

We also put an epic sticker on our van.

 Grand Admiral Josh asked why we are desecrating the Chimera with rebel stickers.

I love the symbolism of it. That the rebellion at its heart, has to carry something bigger than just rebellion. A rebellion whose only definition is what it opposes is empty as a house of cards. But holding the old stamped-out religion, in its heart....it makes sense.

A fairy tale retold. A book review for Rapunzel Let Down by Regina Doman

It's been a while since a book has moved me this much.

After my recent realization that sent Rapunzel from being my most hated fairy tale, to my most favorite fairytale, I was intrigued when I saw this novel retelling of it.

Rapunzel Let Down by Regina Doman. 

What happens to the fairy tale when the Prince fails?

It's a modern retelling of the fairy tale of Rapunzel. 

Not the cute Disney version. The Grimm's version. With a 15 yr old getting knocked up by a Prince (or in this case, a politicians son) who wants to keep his secret. 

It is on my "top 50 books to save if the world burns down" list. 

The only caveat, is parents should pre-read it before giving it to their young teenagers. The story is about a 15 year old getting knocked up (Rapunzel, after all), and a statutory-rape trial. So it is a book on sexual themes. But not in an escapist voyueristic way, but a very thought-provoking and deeply moving way...

.....us human beings struggling with our biology and our ideals of love and our theories of reality and trying to figure out who we really are. 

Parents, read it first and see if it's what you want your kids reading. But I think I would let my own sorta-sheltered homeschooled kids read this, perhaps when they're about 15. Maybe black out a couple sentences. Not sure yet. If kids are already reading the sort of YA novels popular these days, it probably won't be too new to them.

It is a deeply moving story. About clashing ideals of the world, of what the world is, about what we are. Failing at our various religions. Struggling with the nature of reality. About feminism and misogyny. A coming of age story, about women's choices in the face of so much that is wrong in the world---with men, with themselves, with the justice system. And about men's choices, sometimes in a system that feels stacked against them. It was about the prison system, and undocumented/illegal immigrants...the terrifying twisted humanity of inmates, realizing it is ourselves....it was a very very thought-provoking book, but so full of twists and turns that I was turning the pages in an adrenaline fueled-frenzy till 4am, knowing I would have to be up in a few hours with the kids. 

I haven't done that in a few years. This book got me to.

It touched my soul. And made me think. Alot. 

Despite some of the more fantastical things that happened at the end (and it got pretty fantastic) the book felt.....so incredibly real. 

Because the people in it, the characters were so real. The people, their choices, their snap decisions and their failures and their broken dreams and forced to face their own failure....trying to figure out reality, trying to figure out who we are in the world.

I highly recommend it. It goes on my list of "Top 50 books I would save" if I could only take 50 books with me. I never thought I would say that about a YA novel fairy-tale rewrite. (I would urge you not to read the reviews that give spoilers. There are some 'turn' moments in it that work best if you experience it with the characters.)

It was good. Perhaps fantastical, perhaps clumsy in parts, but so real. The inner-monologue of our characters, their bitterness, their thoughts, their prayers....it felt all real to me. So real.

Because its very much about humans, the hypocritical believers, the bitter inmates, the unhinged theater major, the Aspie scientist, the smooth politician, the undocumented immigrants, the vying theories of reality, and a girl having to make her own choices in the middle of all of it.

The Wrath was the Mercy

A few months ago it suddenly hit me, at 36 years old, what the fairy tale of Rapunzel was actually about. 30 years after hearing the story.

I had always hated the story. I thought the Prince was a real jerk. He didn't rescue her from the tower, but rather, kept her there, and visited her many times, and got her pregnant. She was a peasant. He was a prince. He had more power than her.  The Prince in Rapunzel seemed like he wasn't all that interested in getting her out. (Unless he was abysmally stupid, and didn't know about the invention of the rope.) She didn't even seem to know what a man was, let alone sex, let alone pregnancy, by her asking the Witch why her belly was growing. I thought he sounded like a Uppity boy taking advantage of a naive girl. I found the story icky, because of the Prince. I even thought darkly that the ending was suspicously 'too happy' with the blinded beggar prince finding Rapunzel in the end in the wilderness and seeing again. When I read kiddie version trying to sanitize the unwed-pregnancy part of the tale I saw through them as the weak attempts at retconning honor for a disappointing prince ('they sorta had a secret wedding in the tower before she got pregnant...but no, he didn't take her home'  and "she said to the witch 'you are heavier than the prince' so it wasn't that the witch found out she was pregnant....but then she had babies so um, yeah, she was pregnant....")

When Tangled came out when I was 22 or so, I said "Ahh, they fixed it" when Eugene turns out to be a nice gentlemanly peasant-thief who doesn't trick her or climb her hair. She is the princess, she holds the power, Eugene never takes advantage of her, physically or any other way. He climbs the tower with his own strength, not tricking her into using hair, and she's the one always trying to kiss him. I said with relief that it was "uncreepified" from the original tale.

And then, at 36 years old, out of the blue, slightly sick and in my jammies, I started crying one morning at breakfast, when I realized the whole point of the fairy tale.

The point was that the Prince wasn't being above board. And he also makes an infinite amount of sense. After learning a lot more about both politics and history, in blood-monarchies it was of infinite importance whom a prince married and procreated with. Even in the pagan times. Constantius left both his peasant wife Helena and his son Constantine, for a chance to marry the noble woman and be Emperor of Rome. Alexander the Great had a kid with a political nobody, at 16 before heading off to conquer the world and pick his royal bride(s) at 30. This list could easily fill pages.

Then, in the Christian era, when annulments weren't as easy to procure as Roman divorces, there always was the common-law wife on the side. The "wives the Danish [pagan] way" as the Saxons would say. Henry II did it. Many many princes did it. (even dear Harold Godwinson had his 'danish-style' common-law wife before he got engaged to the Northern Lady/Princess at being made king at 40) Noble men resigned themselves to often having to wait over a decade before the official noble wife was found, at the right moment when they ascended to their full power, and saw the most pressing alliance that their country required. Telling a passionate 17 yr old that he has to wait, perhaps till he's 35, to have sex when he marries the right princess...they tried to find ways to have what they wanted but still keep their future political options open.

And so the prince in Rapunzel, was in fact, acting like a prince---historically, realistically, pragmatically anyways. He knew that there would be political complications to anything he did. After all, bastard sons can figure-head factions for the throne. Civil War and differing claimants to succession was an always a looming threat. And then, suddenly, out hunting, alone, here's his chance. He meets a peasant girl in the woods in a tower, completely unconnected to politics, that no one else knows is even there...and now he can kiss and all, with no political repercussions whatsoever. Perhaps he meant to abandon her when he got his political marriage in the vague future. Perhaps he intended to keep her as his 'danish wife' indefinitely, not abandon her, just have both at once (and hide his secret tower family from his eventual noble bride). Perhaps he told himself he would take her away from the tower and bring her home, when he had the courage to do so. But whatever he intended, in the fairy tale, he kept her secret for some time, while visiting her in a conjugal fashion, which is how he got caught by the witch. Rapunzel asks the witch to help her get her dress on, and asks her why her belly is growing, and the whole thing comes down like a house of cards. 

And judgment comes down hard. He's blinded. He loses everything. Because he was keeping it all a secret, his servants don't even know where he is. He's lost in the wilderness, a blinded prince, no ID cards, no servants, no credentials, nothing to prove who he is. The Politics he treasured, that kept him keeping the girl a secret, now have abandoned him.  Not even with the peasant-wife. He's alone. He's a nobody. He's a blind involuntarily-celibate nobody---less than a peasant. He can't even find work in a manual labor-culture & warrior culture, being blind was to be useless. He is wandering around homeless, perhaps begging, or scrounging, trying to find enough calories to survive another day.

And he gets that for years and years. 

But the story doesn't end there. 

Because in the wilderness...like something out of the book of Hosea...He finds his children and his woman, that he would have abandoned for fear of losing everything. Crying on him, hugging him, kissing him, and miraculously, he can see again. 

He loses everything....and gains everything in the end. Instead of a guilty secret on his wedding to a princess...he can hug his children and Rapunzel no longer abandoned.

So that morning in the kitchen, after decades of disliking this fairy tale, I now was sobbing to my confused kids (and my Jenny in characteristic epigenetic distaste of the prince) ---at breakfast three months ago....that was the whole point of the story. 

That the wrath was the mercy.