I don't want to be controlled by my emotions anymore.
I'm an emotional person. I do things, generally, because I want to (paint with the kids, go on a walk, sew a dress, research jewelry making, rewrite the Star Wars Prequels) or because I really really have to (swirl diapers in the toilet, get up at 3 am for a crying baby, make dinner, do the laundry, etc) because the alternative is no clean diapers, traumatized child, starvation, nakedness, etc.
Then there is all the good things, that won't obviously stop the flow of my life if I don't do them, but somehow get lost in the crazy flow of life---keep up with my Hebrew, be intentional about teaching the kids and reading to them, even when I don't "feel like it." Keeping up with old friends (whom I miss so its painful to remember/think of/write to when you know you are so far apart), and keeping up with God, spending one on one time with Him.
But that last paragraph really wasn't optional. Being intentional in teaching the kids and intientional in doing things with them (not just relying on spontaneous inspirations) is what most of their memories are going to be made of.
Training my mind, not burying my talents, in Hebrew or writing, or what I feel God is asking me to do, isn't a
Keeping up with friends, even when it hurts to miss them, is so important.
And keeping up with God. It's...not optional. Its the core of everything else.
I say I don't have "emotional energy" to do things, and sometimes its true, I do get emotionally sapped sometimes. But too often it is my excuse not to do hard things.
I've written schedules and regimens since I was 15, and never kept them, because my spontaneous resolve in the moment would melt in the daily lack of "emotional energy."
I'm a mom now. I have kids. I'm closer to 30 than 20. I need to grow up.
#1 God. He's kind of the whole point. The oxygen that keeps our hearts going. The light that keeps our eyes from atrophying. My lack of regular quiet time with Him is probably the root cause of much of my inner turmoil.
Get up early, spend just 20 minutes in Bible and with a notebook, alone with Him.
Spend an hour in adoration every week. Schedule it.
#2 Teaching Kids about God/Reality/Wonder. I love spontaneous moments, but I also have to plan out their education, Holy and mundane.
#3 Set times for things. Hebrew. Writing. Painting icons. Correspondence with friends and family. Even my creative endeavors will be planned, at set times.
#4 Understanding myself. Willpower is not enough. When I am tempted to have an emotional outburst, I will force myself to sit down, and drink 2 cups of chamomile tea and read Isaiah 26:3-4
I am a much better mom when I get 8 hours of sleep. I will go to bed at a set time, no matter how tempted I am to finally finish that craft project. I will always eat eggs in the morning. Protein, Sleep, Chamomile Tea, and Jesus. My sanity.
That's my plan. And when I fail (as I will) it will not be an excuse to revel in my failure. But to pray, get up, and keep at it.